I am LOST...YELP?!

"they never got there because they never listened, never believed." - Hebrews 3:19 (TMB)

I was reading the early chapters of the book of Hebrews when this verse caught my eyes. There's something intriguing about this verse. 

The book of Hebrews is the book that talked about faith and in verse 3, it's telling a story about how some of the Israelites failed to get into the promise land because they didn't believe in what God said to them through Moses. 

I am currently learning about FAITH and the book of Hebrews is really a wonderful source to learn about the topic. 

Okay, back to the main point which was the verse above. 

When i read this verse, i thought of people who are getting lost and actually last night when i went out with a friend, we got LOST! we were in an area where both of us didn't know where and we were clueless. we tried to follow the road signs - which later we found that they were misleading - still we couldn't find our way. finally, we asked people how to get to where we want us to be. we asked like 4 or 5 people until we finally found out our way out of the confusion and got into the right track, praise God, we finally got home safe and sound. 


It got me wondering.


WHAT IF...we didn't ask people, WHAT IF...we didn't believe what those people told us, WHAT IF...we just kept on being stubborn and tried to find out the way ourselves.


it might take a long time to get home (we did get lost for almost an hour) and secondly, we might go on in circles trying to figure out our ways and definitely not home until the next morning or maybe until either one of us called home and asked someone to pick us up (the worse case scenario). 


That's exactly what's happening with the people of Israel. They didn't believe what God had promised them, what God had said to them through moses and to the result of that, they didn't make it to the promise land, they didn't make it to the purpose set for them.


That's also exactly what would happen to us if we never bother to listen to God and the people that love us and just go on our own way, we might get lost even further and end up somewhere in the midst of uncertainties. It is necessary sometimes, to calm down and listening to feedbacks. We might be surprised at how far we've been away from the original path.


There are few things that we need to realise when we're lost, which are:

1. ADMITTING THAT WE ARE LOST

just drop off all the pride, when we're lost, we're lost. admit it. don't be ashamed of it because HEY! there's always a first time for everyone, including getting lost :D - if we feel like we've been detached from God and we've been lost in something that we don't know, find the courage to just admit that..."OK, I'm lost" - don't try to pretend that things are okay and going on smoothly when in fact, things are not. the problem is sometimes, we're so afraid of what other people are going to say if they know that we are lost or that we are also humans who can get lost and make mistakes too. where we're lost, just admit it and stop trying so hard to figure things out when we don't even know where we are. in the other hand, if someone come up to us and said that they feel lost, take time to talk and listen to them, try to find out why they are feeling what they feel. be there for them.


2. FIND ACCOUNTABLE PEOPLE

when we feel lost, the best way is to find accountable people. people whom we can talk to and ask for counsel and encouragement. people who would remind us of the things that really matters, our relationship with God. people who would show us the right way which is to God and not to themselves. i wonder if the people we met last night didn't show us the right way, maybe me and my friend would get lost forever. look for the right people whom you know care enough about you and would help you finding the right direction.

3. FOLLOW THE RIGHT DIRECTION

knowing and following the right direction is very important when we're getting lost. it is necessary to know where we're going and finding the right direction to get there. in life, our direction comes from God, His words and the community we're in. I believe that God speaks in languages and ways we understand, and He will definitely tell you or inspire you of which way to go. God gives us guidance and it's up to us to listen to or to follow Him. He's not the kind of God who will strike you to death if you don't listen to Him, He gave you the right to choose in your hand and with every choice you make there will be consequences and whatever your choice is, God is always there for you.


if me and my friend, refused to follow the right direction told by the people we asked, we might never find the right way home. it's the same with us, if we don't follow the right direction there will be chances where we won't be able to arrive at our destination or take longer time to arrive that it should be. 


those are the three things that I think we should do when we get lost in the way. all of us have the purpose in life and we need to remind ourselves that. We need to find what is our purpose, our goal in life so we will be able to walk to it. Never lose faith in the dreams that God has breathed into your heart. No matter how big it might seems, how impossible it might be, just remember that nothing is to hard for Him. Believe in Him, Listen to Him and Don't give up. One day, you will reach the promise land. 


quoting agnes monica: "dream, believe and make it happen."

Hanging On A Thread.

"faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." - hebrews 11:1 (NLT)


what if all you have left is your faith? what if you can't do anything else but to trust God to do something? what if you have to hand over the control in your life to God, who is invisible but whom loves you so much? what if the impossibility lies in your eyes and fears are lurking behind your back? what if the present doesn't give you the impression of a good future? what if everyone leaves you and all you have left is God, would you trust him enough to get yoy through everything? what if what you think as good is not the best, would you have the courage to move one or just stay for 'good'? what if what you have in mind is nothing like what God has in his mind? what if all the what ifs never got answered?


i'm hanging on a thread...holding on to my faith...the only anchor that keep me sane and able to carry through...life is sometimes a gamble the only thing left is to gamble on the right thing, i'm gambling with my faith and for that i'm sure, i will come out as a winner ;)

letting go of Isaac.

I think all of us have become very familiar with the story of Abraham and Isaac, his son. Abraham was already in his old age when God gave him, Isaac, his only son. When you have been waiting for years to have a child, i believe when you have one, your child would be the center of you love and nothing could ever describe the grateful feeling of finally having a child. I also believe that you would never let anyone hurt your child, if anyone does, I believe you would hunt him/her to the ends of the world. 

but what if...GOD IS THE ONE WHO WANTS YOUR CHILD? 

That's exactly what happened to Abraham. God asked him to sacrifice Isaac and by faith he obeyed God. In the end of the story we all know that God stopped Abraham from sacrificing his son and even blessed him.


We might not have a child yet but, Isaac for us can be in another form of the something or someone that we hold dearly in our heart. the precious one for us.


I also have my 'Isaac' - i hold it dearly it my heart. i love it more than anything and in the past even more than God and it turns out that the 'Isaac' - the one that i love so much is the thing that would hurt me so bad eventually. however, it's so precious for me that no matter how bad i've been hurt i would always find a way to forgive (although the last one being the worst part ever). 


And to the way of healing my pain, God asked me to give him my 'Isaac'. 


NOT EASY!


I struggle a lot before finally i decided to obey God. Fears are lurking behind my back, all the things are flooding my mind and telling me that i would never survive this, that i just simply can't live without my 'Isaac'. but i just have to obey. things will go worse if i don't, i know that for sure. not only to let go my 'Isaac', i have to also let go the expectations i have, in order i can surrender to God, to whatever he has in mind. do i wish that God will return my 'Isaac' as what he did to Abraham? YES, OF COURSE! but then again, if he won't i have to have the faith that he knows what he's doing and he's preparing a better thing for me.

So, here I am - trying to let go of my 'Isaac'. one finger at one time until my grip is finally released. This time, i guess i only have to rely on my faith. That's all what i have left.


"God gives. God takes. God's name be ever blessed."
 - Job 1:21

machine gun preacher.

(his note: this blogpost might contain spoiler about the movie)

Machine Gun Preacher was a movie based on the true story of Sam Childers, a former drug addict that found by God and currently helping the children in Sudan, together with his wife, they made a foundation called Angels of East Africa. You can read about Sam Childers on wikipedia (here) and an article including what Sam thought of the movie (here) - wise if you read both because well, in Hollywood, a true story might be 10% true and the rest is dramatized :)



i can't really decided whether to like or not to like this movie, because at some point the movie moves me but at some point it's just stand against what i believe. i'm not going to go for the pros and cons about the movie but i'd rather write down something that i learned from it.


1. no matter what you have done, there will always be a second chance.


"God didn't make trash, boy. He never give up on you, so don't you give up on Him"


Sam said this to Donnie, his best friend when he saved him from his drug addiction. i don't know if you believe in God or not but there will always be a second chance for each and one of us...ONLY IF, we're willing to make the decision not to give up. 


in my personal life, God has always been the one who has never give up on me. there's nothing that i've done that is able to make him love me less. we've been a lot of things together in my life, seasons after seasons and i know for sure, God never give up on me and all along, i have been the one who's giving up on him, yet, he's stubborn to just let me go (and i'm totally glad for that). 


there is no one this world that is too bad for God to save. when you are in the situation, where you're seeking for true freedom, for forgiveness, you can find it in God. just ask him and he will surely come. in everything God has never let each and everyone of us go, we might not realize it but..if we just stop, to look back into our lives, in times, when bad things might happen but they didn't, when a stranger stop by to give up a lift home, when someone gave you something you've been wanting for so long, when a friend stand by your side in the hard times, there's God in it. 


when you read this and you've been away from God for a long time, and you wonder if he still loves you, if there's ever a second chance for you, the answer is YES. just pray, call onto him and he will answer you in ways your heart and soul will understand :) - no one is too broken for God to be able to fix, no one is too dirty for God to hug, no one is too bad for God to forgive. 



2. don't lose yourself in the vision that you can no longer see the one who gave you the vision


Sam got a vision from God to built an orphanage in Sudan. in the area that is so dangerous because of the civil war in Sudan. He's so determined to save the children in Sudan that he let his vision blinds him from the things that matter. What is meant to be a compassion has turned into something worse, the feeling took over his heart, his mind and finally covers his vision from the one true thing, the giver of his vision. 


Witnessing the killing of children in Sudan and how no one is wiling to support him in doing something for them, frustrated Sam. He questioned God, his attitude changed and he's started to get distant from the people that he loves and loves him. The frustration took over and then it made him did things that he later on regretted.


Working on vision and dream is important. Finding a purpose of life is important. But don't lose yourself in the process. When frustration take control, take time to cool down, take time to pray and talk to other people that you can trust to get support for them, so you won't be feeling as if no one understands how you feel.


When God gives you a vision, he will give you the provision. Do not worry when things go wild and seem like out of control because if you would stay still and know that he is God, he's able to do more that we ever thought he would. Don't let the vision owned you, because you own the vision. Don't let it control you, because you should be the one to control your vision :)


3. self-righteous will bring you down


This is the most interesting thing in the movie. When Sam thinks as if no one understand his vision, he builds up a self-righteous attitude, he starts thinking as if "he's better" than any other people just because he's so concern about the african children. The one thing that rather disturb me is how he uses God to achieve what he wanted to do. I know that he has a vision from God, but taking God's name to justify what you do and to tell people to do something just because it seems like you're the only one who can carry the burden is wrong. 


I do agree that no one can walk alone, thus, find people that you know will walk with you. Don't push people to do things that they don't feel like doing, if you do, don't be surprised by their reaction. we can never change people, only God can. so don't frustrate ourselves by trying to change people. i've been there and there's nothing that i can do except keep on going to do my part and let other people see. sometimes, it will move them to start walking with you or most of the time, it will do nothing on them, either way, don't give up! keep trying to find people who understand you and willing to walk with you.

another thing about self-righteous is...it's necessary to take time to humbly LISTEN to other people. in the movie Sam's wife Lynn and even his african friend, Deng have expressed their concern about Sam's condition that he simply ignored. fact is, other people might see things in a different perspective than we are and we need to listen to them. especially those who are close to us and love us, because those who love us never afraid to correct us and tell us the truth no matter how it might hurt us because they will also be there to work on the healing process with us. 


when we think that we're on the right track, that's when most of the time we're actually off the track.


there's one interesting bible verse on this one: 
"People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart." - Proverbs 21:2. 


you might think that your way is right but remember, that's only on your own perspective. maybe it's not according to other people or maybe it's not according to God. do a heart check once in a while to know whether we are really in the right track or not ;)


4. don't let hatred slips into your heart


A touching scene when Sam was down and his faith was shaken because he had seen how the civil war torn the african children apart, how the LRA had use the children as soldiers and how the children suffered because of the war, a little boy came into his room. This little boy was a former children soldier of LRA that Sam saved. he never speak before but this time he sat beside Sam and told Sam the story of his life. his father was killed by the LRA and he was forced to kill his own mother by the LRA to save his and his brother's life, since then he became the children soldier and got separated from his brother. 


One memorable thing that he said to Sam was : "if you let hatred gets into your heart, they win." 


Hatred is formed by the unwillingness to forgive. When someone has done something wrong to us and we just can't let it go, we will eventually hate that someone and that hate will turn into anger that will trigger the thought of having a revenge to make that someone feels what we feel.


i've been there too, i hate someone because he has hurt me so bad and i wish that he would feel what i feel, the same pain or even worse. but, when i knew that he's living happy and well, i got so frustrated and mad. i was not happy with that. i hated him and i wanted him to suffer. until i realize that...


DANG IT! why would i let the hurt get over me and paralyzed me? he's living a happy life and why should i drown in my misery, deeply wishing that he would suffer somehow. why would i let him control my life, my feelings and my emotions? 


then i start to let it go, i say it over and over and over again to myself that i forgive him.


Sounds easy? NO


forgiveness never comes easy. it's hard because it's like giving up your rights for revenge. i've hear that revenge is a dish best served cold. yet i also know that revenge will also make your heart colder. that's not a nice thing.


i struggle to forgive, i have been through nights where i struggle to let go the pain, crying and praying, asking God to give me the strength. i stop looking at the person's life and start looking at my own life, focusing in building myself up so i can be healed from the pain. by doing that, my life, my feeling and my emotion are no longer dictated by the person who hurt me. 


the best revenge you can do to those who have hurt you is to show them that you can live your life well and happy without them and that's how you suppose to be :) - don't let hatred slips into your heart because that means they win!

stronger than i know.

Anyone can feel the ache 

You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

(what faith can do - kutless) 

when things don't go the way we want it to be, disappointment will surely come next and hurt us in a way, next...here comes the WHYs. 

i believe that there is no one in this whole world that never go through a disappointment. all of us have been there, thus we should know that everyone has been hurt in some way.

i have been hurt too, to the point that i think i could never bear it. it hurts me so bad that all that i want is everyone to understand my pain, to tell me that it really is hurt and to tell me that i don't deserve the pain. i want everyone to take notice of what i feel. and i want everyone to just LET ME HURT. 

FACT IS...i'm not the only one who's hurting in this world and the thing that hurts me is actually seems like nothing compares to the other struggles that the other people i know are going through. 

i know that when we get hurt, we want the world to just stop and leave us alone in pain, hurting and grieving but that's not how it works. the world will just keep spinning and life will keep on going, no matter how much we're hurting. 

when we're hurting, all of our senses are shaken and it's so easy for us to lose our clear mind because our feelings usually take over. it's a normal reaction, BUT we should not let that happen for a long time. a while ago, i was drowning in my pain, i pushed away my family and my friends because i was so afraid of getting hurt again. my focus was shaken. i was distant to God and everything was a mess. i spent days crying and even got ear infection because of that - so don't cry that much, losing your hearing is not a fancy thing-. i just became so lifeless. 

UNTIL i realized that...

the world is still spinning. life is still going. and even the person who has hurt me seems like living happy and alive. SO what were i doing here drowning in my pain and weeping over my hurting heart? then i made a decision to stop getting hurt and stood up.

it wasn't that easy at first, but i really need to keep going and pushing myself to the limit and not giving up life just because of what i feel. the first thing that i do is to love myself. you know when you're getting hurt somehow you will feel less of yourself. in my case, what happened to me has robbed me from the fact that i am precious and worthy. it was damaging my self image and i just couldn't love myself. that's why the first thing that i do is to forgive myself and love myself. i learn how to say NO, i learn how to stand up for myself and i learn how to really value myself. it's still going until today and i know i feel much much better now :)

the second thing that i did is to define my focus, what i want to do with my life and in my life. i started with doing the things that i love to do. i took short courses, i joined photography club, i went on photo hunting session with some friends, i started to sketch again, i started to write songs and articles again. it's so liberating to do what i love to do and it's truly helping me in sorting things out including in defining my goals in life. again, it's not that easy, i need to ask myself over and over again, what do i want to do, what kind of impact i want to give people and so on. it's also still going until today. 

the third thing that i do is to find encouraging people. people that will love you enough to correct you, to tell you the truth and to cheer you in the long run. avoiding dramas is one necessary thing to do :) - don't linger with people who will bring you down, but linger with people who build you up. 

when you're hurt, don't isolate yourself, you need people whom you can trust to pray for you, to encourage you, to help you to get healed. don't keep everything bottled up inside of you, let the people who love you knows what you're going through and ask them to help you getting through it. trust me, if it's not because of my wonderful friends who encouraged me, prayed for me and also slapped me when i started to drown in my misery, i won't be at the state where i am today. they have helped me to stand my feet again, they believed in me and they didn't give up on me :) - i thank God for them.

if you are hurt, just remember that everybody hurts. it's not the end of the world and trust me, you are stronger than you ever think you are. i thought i was not able to get through it but hey I DID! and i survived the pain :) - everything does happen a reason, sometimes you cannot understand why everything happens in the beginning but when you're at the end one day, you will understand why and you'll be grateful that things are going just the way they are - and i know i do :)

so, don't give up hope, never lose faith and never stop loving.

God bless us all.

when you fall.

i have no fancy tunes to sing.
have no fancy dress to dance.
but when you fall.
i'll be there holding your hand.


i don't look like a princess.
i don't shine like a fairy.
but when you fall.
i'll be there catching your hand.


when the rain is falling.
when the tide is rising.
never forget that...
you are stronger, wiser and braver than you think.


don't give up hope.
don't lose faith.
because when you fall.
i'll be there with you...and we will fly.

oy oy oy!

whoa, i haven't been writing for ages! well, except for the random scribbles on papers and my unfinished story XD. i think i need to write again and that's why i'm back in this blog to challenge myself to write more. i have two other blogs to manage actually, one is my photoblog (here) and my travel blog (here), so yes, i'm jumping around here and there A LOT! (one of my bad habit if i have to confess: being random too much - LOL!).

after a few changes, this blog is officially named as "The Rest Of The Story Is Still Unwritten". the reason why i choose the name is because it portrays hope, a space given for more stories to be written, to be told, to be shared in this space. it's about looking forward to the future, to keep the faith that each piece of the stories will fit itself to serve greater purpose. 

 

another reason why i write again (other than to challenge myself) is because i will use writing as my theraphy. a hard thing happened to me this past year and to be honest, i somehow starting to lose my focus in life (which is not a good thing) and i become too much aware of things and peple because i'm getting afraid of being hurt (again).

so, writing will be my theraphy to try to put things back together and to teach me to see things from a different perspective. i might write some mellow poems or writing but i will try to do it less, so it won't make anyone feel depressed :p - welcome to the ride with me! :D

how she hates goodbyes.

written on Thursday, 10 September 2009 at 00:54 - facebook post


it was such a cold night. she was standing under the dark sky, trying to count the stars. she put her hands safe inside her jacket, make them feel a little warm. 

she couldn't help to rewind the memories. she closed her eyes and let the time flew her away to the old days.

the news struck her like a lightning in the middle of the day. her best friend was leaving. they were sitting and talking by the pool when her best friend finally told her about her plan to go abroad to study. she honestly didn't know what to feel or what to say, but finally managed to smile and said that she was happy for her. deep inside...her heart broke. they spent their moments left together, having a lot of fun and she just refused to say 'goodbye'. she hated that word.

she was there, looking at him. that day was the last day they would ever be able to stand face to face. she tried hard to hold her tears. she hated to say goodbye, farewell had never been her favorite thing to do. she tried to smile but suddenly when he came to hug her for the last time, she burst into tears. he whispered words of comforts, promises and encouragement. She whispered her prayers into his ears. Then...they parted and he went away with the crowd...she watched his back until she no longer could find him among the people. her tears dried and she turned away, praying that God would really take care of him.

he was a big brother in Christ she loved so dearly, they would spent times on the phone talking about stuffs and he would listened to all her weird questions and gave her support and encouragement. for her, he was the best brother. she loved him so. until one day, he told her that he had decided to move away. it was so hard for her, but she knew that if it was for his best, she would support him. and there he went...days were numbered. contacts were managed until one day they somehow drew apart and in her heart she knew, he wasn't the person he used to be. but sincerely she always hopes for the best for him, until today. her dear brother. her loved one. 

they gave her a cute book with such wonderful pictures of them and encouraging words. she loved them too much that she refused to tell them until the last time that she was going to move to another city. she didn't want them to know, she didn't want them to say 'goodbye' to her. they were her family, they were the people who accepted her as who she is, they were part of her life. she had a life there but she had to leave and nothing she could do to change it. her heart broke. she cried night over night. she prayed that she would never have to leave, but her prayer was answered in a different way, she still had to leave. until her last time, she never said 'goodbye'. 

As a child she moved a lot, from one place to another. she was so used to see people came and then went away. every time her loved ones went away or every time she had to leave them, they took a part of her heart. 

sometimes, she feels so afraid of loving people, of getting attached to them too close because somehow she feels they would one day leave her or she would one day leave them. she always feel the fright of losing people and the fear that if they ever meet each other again, they have changed and she doesn't know if she would like the change or not. she's afraid of losing them forever.

she opened her eyes, she could feel a tear almost falling from her eyes. she blinked hard and then held her head high. she looked at the stars and whispered a prayer for those who are away from her, the people that she loves. she knew that in whatever, life must go on and she has to be strong. stronger than before. stronger than ever. trusting God that He will take care of them and pray that if He's willing, He will bring their path crossed again. 

and for the ones she loves right now, she promises herself that she will try her best to treasure and cherish every moment with them because she will never know...maybe one day they will leave her or she will leave them.

some old writings.

i think i have been writing a lot of post on my facebook notes, so in order to keep the balance here and there i have decided to synchronize the posts from my facebook and my posts here.

it's migrating TIME! :)) 

2010 to 2011.

"A new year & a new beginning. 2010 was a year of "testing" & 2011 is the year of "transition" for those who passed the test. 11:11" - jaeson ma.

as i read that tweet from jaeson ma i understood then why things were happening in 2010. it was a rough year i might say. i sat down with two friends this afternoon and we talked about a lot of stuffs, catching up on each other's life and it was true that 2010 was the year of testing and 2011 is the year of transition.

each of us were hardly beaten by the problems that totally hit our weaknesses. as for me it was the matter of the heart and only God knows how hard it hit me :p but then, at the end of the year things were like over for us and we knew what's going on and what to do next. it was totally like grace. my prayer to God was to cry no more over the same matter of the heart and He totally gave me strength for it. I know He's been seeing my tears and counting them.

it was a hard year indeed, but after it passed, it feels like..nothing is going to hold me now. 

and 2011, is a year of transition. in the first week on January, my department head told me that i would be rotated to another department (yet still under the same division). it was long predicted and finally implemented :p i didn't know what to expect anyway. it was a bit sad because i had great friends in the current department and i got to learn a lot from my new team leader and new colleague, what makes it harder was because i have to move to another building :'( but oh well, let's just take this as a new challenge. i'm up for anything and consider this as a new experience. i know that in this other department i won't be as hectic as before so it would give me a loose chance to enrol myself to a school or course that will further enhance my knowledge with a hope for a better job :D

i also made a decision to make a transition from the old community that i've joined for almost 7 years now to a new community. i was so excited to know that they actually have a community for photographers now that i'm learning it. lol! this year, i'm going to fight for my life and for the passion and calling God has given for me. i know i'm destined to be EXTRAORDINARY so then, i refuse to be ORDINARY. ye-ye-ye-yeahhhh!!! :D