Keep Calm, God is on your side.

My life in the past three months has been pretty wild. Juggling from one crazy thing to another crazy thing that left me feeling exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually.

I was just surviving, not even thinking of living.

I had an exciting volunteering trip with a team of doctors to East Sumba recently, it was great and amazing. I was so pumped to plan some great things for the children there.

But when I came back, the routines hit me in the face. Not that I'm being ungrateful but some things are definitely hard to deal with.

Only God knows (and now you do) how every morning I tried to drag myself off my bed, praying for extra strength, patience, wisdom and guidance to SURVIVE the day. Yes, I'm thankful enough if I was able to survive the day.

I've been put up to deal with my fears and to be honest, it is tiring. It is putting me under pressure and stressed me out. I didn't have time to think of anything else but trying to figure out how can I face tomorrow and get through it.

I'm at the verge of breaking down and giving up.

I took a day off last Friday to go to Treasures Women's Conference held by my church. I was hoping to get some time to clear things off my head and focusing on whatever God might want to tell me through the conference.

It started off good and ended up quite distracted by some work related messages that almost made me yelled "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WILL YOU?!!" - thank God I didn't do that stupid thing but instead constantly praying for patience in replying those messages :)

I told God that I feel so tired only to find all the preachers in the conference telling me not to give up and keep pressing on, not to mention, in the same night I received an email from a friend whom I have not been in touch for so long, telling me this (I'll just copy her email) :

"KK, I felt God wants to encourage you about your heart to follow him. He sees your heart and don't let the fire die out. I mean I saw such passion in you and I know you will be a great influence for God. Not necessarily in full time service (although if he calls you to do it then you should just go for it !), but your passion to bring glory to him should never fade away."

I cried.

God believes in me even when I don't believe in myself and even when I think it's too hard for me. He believes in me. Full stop. Without any requirements. Without any terms and conditions. He still wants to use me for His glory. Me, a clumsy clueless girl and He wants to use me for His glory.

God has His attention on me and as long as I do my best and be obedient to Him, I will see His plans fulfilled in my life.

Fear can come knocking on my door, but I know that I am not alone, I have God on my side and whatever the enemies is throwing at me, I can be calm because I have a God who's fighting for me.

Things are not always smooth, that's life. I have gotten used to it. I don't know what I'm going to face tomorrow (in fact I might get into an uncomfortable situation tomorrow) but I know God is with me and He will be my best defense. People can put me down, underestimate me, think that I throw stupid questions or say stupid things, they can hurt me by what they say or do, but one thing I'm sure, Heaven is not letting me walk alone. God knows how hard I've tried and I know I can always count on Him.

So now, I'll just keep calm and surrender all to God. I want to stop at surviving but start living instead. Yes, I want to start living His plans for my life.