Anxiety.

Early 2018, I was admitted to the Emergency Room due to heart palpitation and difficulty in breathing. In short, when blood check result was out, I was diagnosed with anemia microcytic or in layman’s term, anemia that was caused by iron deficiency. I was prescribed to take iron supplement as a therapy to help me recover from the anemia.  

After the incident, my physical condition is not the same. Even the simplest physical activities such as walking up the stairs or walking a bit too fast can easily increase my heart rate,causing me to feel tired easily and even light- headed. Hence, I decided not to do many physical activities, including diving until my physical condition improved. 

However, later that year, I signed up for a trip with friends to explore Flores, including a trip to Wae Rebo, a village located in Manggarai, Nusa Tenggara Timur, which will require me to hike for 4,8 kilometers. I was honestly worried. To ensure my heart condition, I went for a check up to a cardiologist. After the treadmill test, ECG and EKG. The result was out, the cardiologist said that my heart was fine except for one condition, I have a minor leak on my left heart valve (if I’m not mistaken). He said the condition was not dangerous, it’s just my heart valve closes a bit slow. Other than that, I was encouraged to walk for 30 minutes at least 3 times a day to strengthen my heart.

Long story short, I managed to pass the hike to Wae Rebo, although during the time, my heart felt like it was just going to burst. Like halfway, I honestly constantly thought that I was not going to make it, I even imagined myself dying and  all sort of negative thoughts came to my mind. To overcome the negativity, I constantly reciting Bible verses and all kinds of church songs that I remembered just to keep my mind positive while keeping on watch for my heart rate. Praise God, I managed to overcome the hike. 

So, next, I thought, I need to go back to the ocean. 

My first comeback was on a dive trip to Pulau Seribu near Jakarta with some friends. I expected it to be an easy dive trip, but I was wrong coming back diving it was not as easy as I thought it would be. First time plunging myself into the water, I could feel the panic attack coming. Somehow, I was so afraid that I was unable to breathe, although regulator was in my mouth. All I felt was, I wanted to go up badly, took off my mask and breathe as much air as I could. It felt like I was suffocating.  

For the first time in my diving history, I felt the panic attack, something that I’ve never thought I would feel and worse, it’s even on an easy dive with no current, no tide, nothing and for the first time, I felt afraid of the ocean. 

I passed the first dive after a constant struggle with the panic attack while trying to maintain my mind to stay sharp and aware. Then, on the second dive, I gave up. Only 10 minutes into the water in more less 12 meters depth, I felt suffocated, I could tell my heart was palpitating hard, I was breathing rapidly, I could feel I was breaking in cold sweats despite being underwater and it was started to get out of control. I needed to quit the dive before it worsened, because I could feel like I could no longer think straight, and it was too tiring for me to fight the panic attack. I gave a signal to the dive guide, letting him know that there was something wrong with me and that I wanted to gradually surface. The dive guide then notified the rest of the group, came and accompanied me until I finally managed to surface properly, called the boat and then back to the rest of the group.  

Once I was on the boat, I took all the dive gears off, threw myself tiredly on the boat and fell asleep. I didn’t even know when did the rest of the group surfaced and back on the boat until a friend woke me up for lunch. After that, I went back to sleep and skipped the third dive. My friends were asking me what's going on, I just said that I was too tired and having a bad headache. 

The next morning, we planned to have an easy dive at the Jetty. I thought, let’s try again. Again, I struggled in the first 5 minutes (that felt longer) yet, as it was a shallow dive and just around the jetty, I felt it was easier to manage the negative thoughts and to divert the focus, I decided to picking up the trash. And by the end of the dive, I was relieved as if I was out of danger. I never thought that the incident where I was rushed to the ER  somehow affecting me subconsciously.

I still struggle with the panic attack and the anxious feeling whenever I go diving up until my recent dive (which was few days ago). I was anxious the day before the trip and the day of the trip, somehow that is causing my heart rate to increase, and I had to take medication to help in lowering the heart rate because it was getting tiring. I tried to calm my mind and prayed (yes, it's one of my ways to deal with my anxiety and it works for me).

On the D-day, to my own surprise, everything went smooth and okay. I did not feel anxious at all -- I was honestly going to abort the dive if I suddenly had the anxiety and panic attack, but it turned out there was none. There was no fear of suffocating or being unable to breathe. There was only PEACE. I guess, that's because I was constantly praying for the peace that transcends all understandings (and thoughts) and maybe it was also because I knew who I was diving with, I trusted the person who ran the dive center because I knew him personally and well aware of his standards. Yet, I still didn't want to exert myself too much and stick to my plan of having only two dives a day and decided no to dive the next day. 

As predicted, my resting heart was quite high that day, but all was well, nothing's too crazy. I just needed a good sleep. I was quite happy that I finally managed to conquer the anxiety and back to my comfort in diving. Although for now, I might still choose to steer clear from challenging gives, maybe until I physically feel better enough to do that. 

The experience taught me about anxiety and panic attack. The helpless feeling when it feels like everything is out of my control. The overwhelming fear, the thought that I will not make it, the fear of dying and other irrational fears. Sleepless nights, racing heart rate, cold sweats, restlessness and difficulty to concentrate or focus. You name it. I've felt it. Although the anxiety and panic attack often occurred during diving related activity, sometimes it also occurs in other situation as well. As I already have the tendency of feeling uncomfortable in enclosed space (that is why, wreck or cave diving is never been an option for me to try) -- being in an airplane, being in the elevator or even in my own room with closed door can trigger the anxiety and anxiety can give you endless of irrational fears. Fortunately, it hasn't affected my daily life in general and currently I am slowly recovering. 

If you have anxiety and come across my post somehow, I just want to say that don't be ashamed of yourself. Nobody is to be blamed for having anxiety. Be kind and be patient with yourself. From my experience dealing with my own anxiety and panic attack, I can share what works for me in overcoming the situation and see if maybe it can help you too. 

Meditation

In my case, whenever I feel anxious and start to panic, I pray and meditate on the word of God (or Bible verses). I would say to myself over and over and over again the Bible verses that can help me overcome my anxiety and fear. Not always work like magic but it will help me to lessen the irrational fears. It will make my heart more at peace by having faith that it's okay for me not to have everything in control because God has everything in control. 

If you are not a spiritual or religious person, it might be helpful to meditate and say positive things to yourself over and over and over again until you believe it. From experience, 99% of the fear that we have in our head is not going to happen. 

Drink less alcohol

For me, alcohol can cause my anxiety to get worse. Somehow, if I drink alcohol, it stimulates my mind to think a lot and that can triggers the anxiety.

Reach out to a friend

Loneliness and isolation can trigger or worsen anxiety. If I feel like my anxiety is getting worse, I'll reach out to my friend. Although sometimes in such condition, I don't feel like seeing anyone let alone letting them know that I am struggling, I decided that I have to. Being with the right friends or community, sharing your worries and concerns will help to lessen the anxiety. Having people to support you and even pray for you may help you to overcome your anxiety. 

Challenge your mind

I'd say that the fiercest battlefield is the one happening in our own mind. Worrying is a mental habit that we can learn to break. If you are anxious, challenge your negative thoughts and learn to accept uncertainty. Like I said above, 99% of the fear that we have in our head is not going to happen. 

Exercise and take vitamins

To move my body even for a short walk everyday helps me to feel better. I also take vitamins to help keeping my body in a fit and healthy condition. If I feel fit, it is easier for me to deal with the anxiety. 

In the end I am not a medical expert or a psychologist, so if you feel like your anxiety is too overwhelming and it starts to affect your daily life, please do look for help and don't go through it alone. It can be hard, it can be difficult, it can be rough, tough, nasty and ugly but...you don't have to get through it alone and once again, I will say that it is not your fault, it is okay to not to feel okay all the time, it is okay that on some days waking up is hard, it is okay that you are not in control of everything. It is okay, but...don't give up, wake up and let's try again. 

Conservation : Do What's In Your Hands.

Whenever I met people from the conservation organisation and I told them that I am interested in what they do, they always ask me whether I am from the media or representing another organisation or if I am a student / researcher. And of course, my answer is "No" - then they would give me a puzzled look as if wondering if I'm not part of any of those categories then why I would be interested in conservation work. 

Ermm. Uhm. Haha. 

Then I come to explain that I am just a concerned diver that wants to help if whatever ways I can and that’s true. I don’t work in media so I would not be able to make a news coverage that can be read or watched by many people, I don’t work in other conservation / social organisation that I can offer any mutual agreement to work together, I am not a researcher or a student in any way so I would not be able to give my mind or help in the scientific field or publishing any study paper to support the conservation work.

Maybe, in a greater scale, I am no use for them. 

So what can I offer? My time and my support.

If you need someone to work with you on doing something, here I am. As a volunteer, as a donation supporter, as whatever I can do to help and support with what I have and able to do.   

Apart from that, 

I start from my own habit, trying to reduce the waste of plastic bottles by bringing my own refillable drinking bottle, switching from using plastic straws into stainless / bamboo straws or no straws at all and bringing my own utensils to use rather than plastic spoons. Not an easy transition, for sure, but worth it. As a diver, I also promoting good diving practice that is ocean friendly. 

It might be a small act and you might start to wonder, “What kind of impact can a single person do?”- Well, I believe the small act will intrigue people and spark a conversation. They would start to ask why I do that and then I can explain why. If they buy what  I'm telling them then maybe they will get interested in doing the same with a possibility, they will tell other people too. That could start a chain reaction right? We will never know, but I believe that an effort no matter how small it is can bring an impact in some way.

I also talk a lot about conservation issue with people that I know. 

A girl from church called me “Shark Girl” because I was campaigning to stop consuming shark’s fin, some fellow divers even called me an “Environment Fighter” because I always scold them whenever I saw them poking the sea creatures, a colleague decided to stop consuming shark’s meat and telling her family to do the same after I told her the facts of consuming shark's meat, another colleague encourage me to establish a coral conservation foundation and people, whenever they find interesting articles, movies or anything about ocean and conservation, they would tell me about it and in a way, making them aware of the issue as well.

Those might be small things, but everything big starts small. 

Some people think of conservation as something big to work on it alone, but from what I know, everyone starts small. It starts when we care then we do something about it starting from what we can. All the organisation or community that take part in conservation work starts from small then with persistence and a lot of hard work, they make their voice heard to a greater audience and from there they get people to help them with their conservation work. 

No effort is too small or too insignificant when it comes to standing and fighting for a cause. Everything that we do out of care, out of our passion, out of our heart will never go in vain. At times, we might find that it's not working, but it doesn't mean that we fail, it's just that we need to learn more, we need to change the way we do things and find something that can work better and effectively. 

Conservation is a lot of work that requires everyone's participation, not everyone cares and not everyone gets it. I get through that too. I get through the time where people mock me or tease me, I get through the time where I want to do something but I don't know where to start and how to start, I get through the time where I am frustrated because it seems like no one else around me understand. So, I start from what I can, talking about it and let people know and suddenly I am surrounded by people who care about the same cause. Then I got the chance to be involved in some organisations / communities that have conservation work going on, that’s my happy moment. 

Of course I still have a long way to go, a lot of things to learn about conservation and I won’t stop doing what I can, I believe that eventually people would start to understand and start to care. 

The Unloved and Unwanted.

(picture taken from the internet)

I am listening to a podcast from Steven Furtick and he’s talking about ‘Why Rejection is Actually a Blessing’ where he talked about the story of Leah, Jacob and Rachel. Yeap, the famous Bible love-triangle. 

So, I decided to re-look into the story about Leah, Jacob and Rachel.

To give you a bit of a background, I will tell you the summarised version of this love-triangle story. Leah and Rachel were sisters, daughters of Laban. As the bible noted, Leah was said to have no sparkle in her eyes (in some Bible translations it was said that Leah had a weak eyes, so maybe in this modern age, Leah was one of those who wear glasses and looking like a geek) but Rachel in the other hand had a beautiful figure and a lovely face (yes, that popular girl). 

There was no sparkle in Leah’s eyes, but Rachel had a beautiful figure and a lovely face. (Genesis 29:17)

Jacob was Laban’s nephew, when he was on the run, he sought refuge in Laban’s house and during his stay there, fell in love with Rachel. He told his uncle that he wanted to marry Rachel. Laban told Jacob that if he wanted to marry Rachel then Jacob would need to work for Laban for seven years. Jacob agreed and he worked for Laban for seven years.

In the end of the agreement, Jacob came to Laban and asked him to fulfil his promise which was to marry Jacob to Rachel. So Laban married his daughter to Jacob but after the wedding night, Jacob was surprised to find out that he actually married Leah instead of Rachel. He was so upset and came to see Laban. Laban told Jacob that it was not good if Rachel as the younger sister got married before her older sister, Leah. 

Then Laban came up with another condition to Jacob, Jacob could marry Rachel only if he promised that after the wedding he would work for another seven years for Laban. For the sake of his love, Jacob agreed to the condition, married Rachel and then worked for Laban for another seven years. And the Bible stated that he loved her so much. 

I believe this story would ring closer to some of us. We might feel like Leah, feeling like we’re not good enough compared to other people, feeling unloved, unwanted and rejected. 

When I read that Leah had weak eyes, I can totally relate to her, because me, myself, has been wearing glasses since I was young. Glasses, braces, you name it! I also have always been chubby since I was a kid so speaking of physical appearance, there was time when I really hate to look at myself in the mirror. When the common standards of beauty involving a long silky black hair, white skin and slender figure, my physical appearance was (and still is) totally the opposite of the standards.

So, in terms of physical appearance I know how it feels to compare yourself to other women and noticing that they look better, prettier and lovelier than you. It wasn’t a nice feeling at all, haha. 

There are moments in life as well that I feel unloved, unwanted and rejected just because I fit in the common standards of beauty. It was a damage to my self-worth and I takes quite some time for me to really recover and starting to love myself. 

Other than the physical appearance, there were a lot of things that made me feel not good enough when I compare myself to certain people. From educational background, family background, and so on. I know that as humans, some of us might feel the same thing and it can be very painful. 

Just like Leah. Imagine that a man was married to you not because of he loved you but because he loved your sister, who was said as more beautiful than you. Imagine how painful it must be. But interestingly, this is what the Bible says:

When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, he enabled her to have children, but Rachel could not conceive. (Genesis 29:31)

 

For sure I believe that, God saw her tears at night as her heart was broken of the rejection and the loneliness, because she felt that she was the unwanted one. So, to continue the verse, God enabled her to do something that her sister could not do. 

 

That’s something that God does best. He choose the unloved, the unwanted, the rejected and He does great things through them. He’s the God who choose the unchosen, those who are unfit the world's standards, those who are underestimated (remember David), because God sees what’s inside of us. Our potential. Our future. 

All of us will deal with rejection from time to time, rejection is not a dead end, but it’s a redirection. If people reject us it’s a sign that they’re not the right one for us anyway, when a group of people reject us sometimes it’s the sign that they are flying too low and we have no business in their altitude anyway because God will take us even higher. 

 

We don’t need the approval from the Jacobs in our lives just to prove our worth if we know that God has chosen us since the beginning and He has everything good in His hands for us. If you feel like a Leah today, know that you are loved. You are created to be loved and you don’t need to seek for the approval from those who cannot love you and accept you the way you are. Just look to the One who created you with love, who knows you inside and out and love you still. 

 

This is not only for women but also for men, for everyone who has been in pain of rejection in their lives. I have been there and I know how painful it is, I have been through a time where I wish I can change everything in me, where I wish life is different for me, where I wish my family condition is better and I can have the life like those people I’m comparing myself with. But, knowing God and having a personal journey with Him, it changes everything. 

 

I know God loves me as who I am and I like that. My hair might always be short, my body might need extra effort to be a little bit better in terms of shape and my skin would always be tan, but I love myself the way I am just fine :D - I love my smile. I love my eyes. I love me. With God, I learn to recognise my strength and my weaknesses. I learn how to develop my strength and overcome my weaknesses. Of course I still stumble and fail but I always learn how to get back up again, how to forgive not just other people but also myself, learn something and move on. 

It’s not as easy as flipping your palm upside down but surely, the way to healing starts with acceptance and forgiveness. It starts from within. You cannot change some things in your life, but you can change something, you can change how you look at things and you can open your heart to trust the One who made it. 

Stop wasting time on people who don’t love you. Find those who do love you and most importantly, look into the mirror, find the real you and start loving yourself. I know how it feels to live on seeking for approval from other people and I can definitely tell you that it's definitely not worth it. If people cannot love you for who you are then no matter how hard you try to win their approval or acknowledgment, it still won't make them love you. So, move on and settle down with people who love you for who you are, who celebrate you, trust you and will always encourage you to be the best version of you.

Remember, just because you are rejected doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong in you, maybe people just can’t see what’s inside of you. If they do, if they can see how precious you are, how wonderful your heart is, how great your talents are, how sharp you mind is…they would think twice. *virtual hugs to those who might be feeling down and unloved today* - You matter, you are precious and the world still needs you.

The Voices Within.

I'm writing this on a bumpy boat ride for a one day dive trip on my phone. Plugging my ears with my earphones and listening to the music. Separating me from the world around me, having a solitude moment just me and my thoughts. I cannot hear anything but the sound of music in my ears not even to the sound of the boat engine or the wind and a thought come into my mind.

What have I been listening to lately? What kind of voices do I listen to? What have I been telling myself so far? And how is it affecting me in looking at myself?

Ever since we were born in this world, I believe we have been listening to so many voices. The voices that might bring us down or lift us up.

How many times have we been told that we can or can't do something in our lives? How many times have we heard words that break us or build us? How many times have we felt important or not important by what other people say about us? How many times have we even felt loved and unloved what other people is telling us?

I believe most of us have been there, in the situation where other people’s voices is affecting us in a way. But, more than the external voices we hear from other people, the most influential voice is our own inner voice. What we have been telling ourselves.

To my experience, we are the harshest judge for ourselves, we often condemn ourselves more than other people does. As a person who once been through a depression with a battle inside the mind, I know for sure that what we are telling to our self is the greatest influence of all.

We need to turn down the loud negative voices within and start to say only the good, positive and lovely things to our self. In short, we should not only be kind to other people but also to our own self.

Of course it is not easy because I know that as human being it is easier for us to find our flaws instead of our strengths. If it’s hard for you to understand what I mean, let’s do the following:

I need you to list down what your strengths are in the next 1 minute.

Okay, are you done?

Good, now, I need you to list down what your flaws or weaknesses are in the next 1 minute. 

Done?

Now compare the two lists and see which one is longer. I bet now you know what I mean :)

It is easier to spot our flaws and weaknesses rather than our strengths. That proves that we are the harshest judge over ourselves and we haven't been giving enough highlight, celebration and appreciation for our strengths. 

It’s a long struggle for me as well to learn how to love myself. Since I was young I was always compared to everyone. I was compared to my cousins, I was compared to my friends, I was compared to my parents’ friend’s children and so on. My life has always been in comparison and it’s hard to believe that I am actually good enough. I grew up to be a person that was always cautious about what everyone else is thinking about me and failure was something unacceptable for me.

I was afraid to try anything because I would afraid to fail and worse there was a time where I was afraid to talk to new people, like asking a sales person at the store about the things I want to buy, the cashier to pay or even ordering something at fast found counter was considered as a big deal to me.

Yes, I was that afraid of people. I was afraid that if I said something wrong, they would laugh at me. I was afraid to ask question if I don’t understand something, afraid that people might look down on me or afraid that they would think that my question was so stupid. So I built a habit of finding things out on my own.

Whenever I failed at doing something, said something that I thought of as stupid or receiving a negative feedback from other people, I would condemn and judged myself. It would take days even months for me to get over it. I would blame myself over and over again and played the situation in my head over and over.

I always believed that I was a failure, that I would never do something that make my parents proud, that I would never make it, and that I would never be able to work well or solved anything on my own. I always believe that I would never be able to talk in public, I always believe that I would never live a good life, that I would never achieved anything good in my life.

Why?

Because there was always this voice inside of my head that keep saying that I am not good enough and will never be good enough. That I am a failure, that no one would ever love me, that I have no future, and so on. 

It took a long journey for me to finally be where I am today and I am grateful that through the healing process, I have finally able to start loving myself. For me, it started when I knew God and being in the right community that believed in me, support me and accept me as who I am. 

I am forever grateful to God because He is the greatest part of my healing process. He never get tired telling me that He loves me in many ways and that I was created with a purpose. It doesn't matter what people say about me, it doesn't change the fact that God created me with a purpose, He created me according to His image and He created me to be loved. God is the main reason why I'm still breathing and living and be who I am today.  

Knowing my self-worth that I am precious, that I am created with love, that failure is just a part of learning to be better, that I am created as I am and I am just wonderful the way I am, definitely changed me. When I start realizing the facts, I started to see myself differently. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I always try to say good things to myself and when I started doing that, I gain my confidence and I start to love the person I see in the mirror. 

Whenever the terror comes from the negative voices within, I would look at myself in the mirror and started to say good things, positive things, wonderful things about myself. I would read the Bible to remind me of how wonderful God created me. I would pray and ask God to remind me over and over and over again, that I am loved the way I am, that I am precious, that I am wonderful, that I am able to do anything through Christ who strengthen me. 

When I started to choose to listen only to the good and positive voices (and God's voice for sure), it changed everything and I start to see good things are happening in my life. I never feel the need to compare myself to anyone else now because I have a completely amazing life, a life where I can truly feel and witness God's faithfulness and His amazing works that always leave me in awe. The way God always come through in every situation that I'm going through in life is something too wonderful not be thankful for. 

That timid little girl who was so afraid of what people think of her is now able to stand before many people and speak, even led worship at one time. Now, she doesn't hesitate to reach out to people first and talk to them. Yes, she is still cautious at times, she still think of what people think of her too sometimes, but she doesn't let it intimidate her instead she turns it into something that help her to reflect on herself and improve herself for the better. 

When you start to listen to the right voice, then the way you see yourself will change. If you start to listen only to the good and positive voice, then you will start to love yourself. No matter what people say, believe that you are precious, you matter, you are loved, you have a wonderful future and you are able to do anything you want to do. 

It's time to turn down the negative voices and turn up the positive voices. Start celebrating your life and strengths. Look into the mirror and be grateful for who you are. Smile and see how it changes your life. 

It is okay not to feel okay.

Just recently we all read the news of Chester Bennington, the lead vocalist of Linkin Park, killed himself. I believe the news came a shock to many people who have been growing up with Linkin Park. I am not a fan of Linkin Park, although I used to enjoy listening to some of their songs. Their album, "Meteora" was a very nice album that I listened to repeatedly, I admire how Chester would sing the songs with his powerful voice and as far I can remember, there’s always a hint of ‘pain’ in his voice and the songs he sang. 

Recently, we have heard a lot of suicide news from well-known people. The reason is always the same, depression. They felt depressed to the point they felt no hope to keep on living. I never thought of those who called for suicide decision as weak. In fact, I feel sad for them. I feel sad because finally the hopelessness takes over. 

I know how it feels like struggling with your inner demons that no one really understands, it requires all the strength you have to fight them and to survive. So I know for sure they are not weak. 

They are also not selfish because some of them I know making that decision because they don’t want to be a burden for other people if they continue on living with the depression. 

I do agree that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary condition, but for those who have been in the hell-hole, it’s hard to see that. This is why, having someone that really care for you during those dark times is really important, if your loved ones are battling with depression, be patient, hold their hands and walk with them step by step, because inside, they are fighting so hard to survive. Stop asking “Why are you depressed?” because most of the time, they don’t even know why they are feeling depressed and please stop saying that, “Oh, maybe it’s just you being overthinking.” because it’s not overthinking, it’s a fierce battle in the mind and God forbid, hopefully you will never have to deal with it. 

 

“Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings, and sense of well-being. People with a depressed mood may be notably sad, anxious, or empty; they may also feel notably hopeless, helpless, dejected, or worthless.”

 

Years ago, I was depressed. It was tough years. I think too many changes, too many things to handle, no one to talk to and no one seems to understand finally took its toll. I often spent nights crying with no reason, I would wake up in the middle in the night and felt a terrible pain in my heart, I felt as if I was in a urge of being crazy when things are seem hard to handle (I honestly think so), I had terrible mood swings, I lost my interest in living, I hate everyone, I hate myself and I felt so empty that I started to have suicidal thoughts. 

There’s an unexplainable pain in my heart that I could not let it out, so I developed a habit of being a cutter. I bought a cutter every day and every time I felt like I could not handle the pain, I would cut myself with the cutter and somehow I felt that the pain inside was lessened. (Now, that it has passed, I’m so glad that it didn’t left permanent marks on my arms). 

During that hard time, I was glad that I had a best friend who cared enough for me. Who would constantly reaching out to me and in a way, saved me. She would confiscated my cutter, she would hold my hand every time I wanted to cut myself. She would always check on me to see if there was new scars on me or not. When the other so called "close" friends judged me, she reached out to me and stood by me. She never asked me why I felt depressed or just brushed me off by saying that I was being overthinking or dramatic. No, she never did that. She was always there to encourage me although as teenager at that time, I know she also had her own matters to handle. I owe her so much. 

 

The worst battle is always the one going on inside of your head. That’s where you are most vulnerable and that’s where you are mostly judged by yourself. The mind is the fiercest battlefield. So, I know how tiring it is for depressed people to have to fight it all the time. 

Depressed people don’t necessary look like they are sad all the time or mad all the time, sometimes they can look cheerful at the outside or look okay but broken in the inside. If you look closely then you might see the symptoms, such as mood swings, addiction on something, the occasionally blank look in their eyes, their thoughts of the future and so on. 

People are good in hiding what they are feeling inside, afraid that if they are being honest, they might get hurt, they might be judged, and they might be told that they are weak. Truth is, no one is born as a strong people, and we grow strong because we manage to deal with the hardships. It is okay to not to feel okay, none of us is perfect and all of us has feelings. We can get scared, we can get afraid, we can get anxious, we can get down, we can feel frustrated at times, we can feel sad, we can feel helpless, and it is okay to feel all those negative emotions. 

Trust me that it is okay. It is part of us being humans. We feel.

But, if things are starting to feel out of hand and you feel like you are drowning in those negative emotions. Reach out for help. Don't go through it alone. Find someone you can trust. Find someone you can rely on. Find someone who loves you. Reach out to them. 

Don't be scared, don't be afraid. Speak up. Speak of your pain, speak of your fears, and speak of your scars, wounds, anything that weighs you down. Let it go. Forgive the people that have caused you pain, but most of all...YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF...so you can start to love yourself. 

No, you are never a mistake. No matter how dark you park was. It is not your fault, you are just struggling to live and we are all. We are all in a journey trying to figure out what life means to us. Nobody gets it instantly. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws. But still, that doesn't make you a mistake. 

When I found myself back, the first thing I did was to forgive myself. I forgive myself for being imperfect, I forgive myself for having flaws, I forgive myself, before then I start to love myself. It was not an instant journey, it took years for me to finally love myself and to finally recognise my self-worth. When I start loving myself only then I can start to see my purpose and my vision of the future, hope returns to my life and now, I am loving life with all my heart. 

I am grateful that I have my best friend with me and during my journey to recovery, I am blessed that God has put good people in my life, people who support and encourage me when things are getting hard. People that believe in me more than I even believe in myself. Having the right people around me has helped me a lot to finally get out of that hard time. I could have never been in where I am right now if it wasn’t for them and for God. 

People who know me now might not know that once I struggled with depression. I didn’t really talk about it but since I’ve been reading a lot news regarding suicide and its relation to depression, I felt compelled to share my story. If you are struggling with depression, I will never get tired to say, reach out to somebody, reach out for help. It is okay, asking for a help is never a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength that you are humble enough to admit that you can’t do it alone. 

Whenever I am feeling that things are overwhelming, I would pick up my phone and reach out to my friends. I would ask to meet them, I would ask for their time, I would ask them to be with me because when I’m alone, that’s when the battle starts inside my mind. I would down on my knees and pray, I would read the Bible verses and saying it over and over to myself and I would tell God that I’m trusting Him my life. It’s my other way to deal with depression, I run to the One who is holding my life. 

The more I learned about depression, I noted that it’s not just about the battle in the mind but it’s also a medical condition where your body is suffering from chemical imbalance. In my case, whenever I’m lacking magnesium or vitamin B-12, I realise am more vulnerable to stress and depression. Thus, I used to store dark chocolate in handy and vitamin B-12 so I can balance my mind. I figured this out when I was talking with a friend who also suffered for depression and she told me that I should try eating dark chocolate and took vitamin B-12. It worked for me. 

There were many reasons and cause for depression, but to know that you need to first reach out for help. Seek even medical attention if necessary. 

And if you happen to be a family or a friend of someone who’s going to depression. I want to quote something from Stephen Fry,

“If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, the lethargy, the hopelessness and loneliness they are going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do”

It would be hard, it would be a long journey, but walk with them step by step and be patient with them. Help them to get any help they need and be with them.

 

I know that people can be in various stages of depression. Some are still on early stage (like I was), some might be struggling with it for years already and it’s not getting easier for you. But, really don’t go through it alone, if I can get through it, I know you can too. You are strong, you are precious, you matter and the world still needs you. 

*hugs to everyone who is struggling with depression right now*