It is okay not to feel okay.

Just recently we all read the news of Chester Bennington, the lead vocalist of Linkin Park, killed himself. I believe the news came a shock to many people who have been growing up with Linkin Park. I am not a fan of Linkin Park, although I used to enjoy listening to some of their songs. Their album, "Meteora" was a very nice album that I listened to repeatedly, I admire how Chester would sing the songs with his powerful voice and as far I can remember, there’s always a hint of ‘pain’ in his voice and the songs he sang. 

Recently, we have heard a lot of suicide news from well-known people. The reason is always the same, depression. They felt depressed to the point they felt no hope to keep on living. I never thought of those who called for suicide decision as weak. In fact, I feel sad for them. I feel sad because finally the hopelessness takes over. 

I know how it feels like struggling with your inner demons that no one really understands, it requires all the strength you have to fight them and to survive. So I know for sure they are not weak. 

They are also not selfish because some of them I know making that decision because they don’t want to be a burden for other people if they continue on living with the depression. 

I do agree that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary condition, but for those who have been in the hell-hole, it’s hard to see that. This is why, having someone that really care for you during those dark times is really important, if your loved ones are battling with depression, be patient, hold their hands and walk with them step by step, because inside, they are fighting so hard to survive. Stop asking “Why are you depressed?” because most of the time, they don’t even know why they are feeling depressed and please stop saying that, “Oh, maybe it’s just you being overthinking.” because it’s not overthinking, it’s a fierce battle in the mind and God forbid, hopefully you will never have to deal with it. 

 

“Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings, and sense of well-being. People with a depressed mood may be notably sad, anxious, or empty; they may also feel notably hopeless, helpless, dejected, or worthless.”

 

Years ago, I was depressed. It was tough years. I think too many changes, too many things to handle, no one to talk to and no one seems to understand finally took its toll. I often spent nights crying with no reason, I would wake up in the middle in the night and felt a terrible pain in my heart, I felt as if I was in a urge of being crazy when things are seem hard to handle (I honestly think so), I had terrible mood swings, I lost my interest in living, I hate everyone, I hate myself and I felt so empty that I started to have suicidal thoughts. 

There’s an unexplainable pain in my heart that I could not let it out, so I developed a habit of being a cutter. I bought a cutter every day and every time I felt like I could not handle the pain, I would cut myself with the cutter and somehow I felt that the pain inside was lessened. (Now, that it has passed, I’m so glad that it didn’t left permanent marks on my arms). 

During that hard time, I was glad that I had a best friend who cared enough for me. Who would constantly reaching out to me and in a way, saved me. She would confiscated my cutter, she would hold my hand every time I wanted to cut myself. She would always check on me to see if there was new scars on me or not. When the other so called "close" friends judged me, she reached out to me and stood by me. She never asked me why I felt depressed or just brushed me off by saying that I was being overthinking or dramatic. No, she never did that. She was always there to encourage me although as teenager at that time, I know she also had her own matters to handle. I owe her so much. 

 

The worst battle is always the one going on inside of your head. That’s where you are most vulnerable and that’s where you are mostly judged by yourself. The mind is the fiercest battlefield. So, I know how tiring it is for depressed people to have to fight it all the time. 

Depressed people don’t necessary look like they are sad all the time or mad all the time, sometimes they can look cheerful at the outside or look okay but broken in the inside. If you look closely then you might see the symptoms, such as mood swings, addiction on something, the occasionally blank look in their eyes, their thoughts of the future and so on. 

People are good in hiding what they are feeling inside, afraid that if they are being honest, they might get hurt, they might be judged, and they might be told that they are weak. Truth is, no one is born as a strong people, and we grow strong because we manage to deal with the hardships. It is okay to not to feel okay, none of us is perfect and all of us has feelings. We can get scared, we can get afraid, we can get anxious, we can get down, we can feel frustrated at times, we can feel sad, we can feel helpless, and it is okay to feel all those negative emotions. 

Trust me that it is okay. It is part of us being humans. We feel.

But, if things are starting to feel out of hand and you feel like you are drowning in those negative emotions. Reach out for help. Don't go through it alone. Find someone you can trust. Find someone you can rely on. Find someone who loves you. Reach out to them. 

Don't be scared, don't be afraid. Speak up. Speak of your pain, speak of your fears, and speak of your scars, wounds, anything that weighs you down. Let it go. Forgive the people that have caused you pain, but most of all...YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF...so you can start to love yourself. 

No, you are never a mistake. No matter how dark you park was. It is not your fault, you are just struggling to live and we are all. We are all in a journey trying to figure out what life means to us. Nobody gets it instantly. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws. But still, that doesn't make you a mistake. 

When I found myself back, the first thing I did was to forgive myself. I forgive myself for being imperfect, I forgive myself for having flaws, I forgive myself, before then I start to love myself. It was not an instant journey, it took years for me to finally love myself and to finally recognise my self-worth. When I start loving myself only then I can start to see my purpose and my vision of the future, hope returns to my life and now, I am loving life with all my heart. 

I am grateful that I have my best friend with me and during my journey to recovery, I am blessed that God has put good people in my life, people who support and encourage me when things are getting hard. People that believe in me more than I even believe in myself. Having the right people around me has helped me a lot to finally get out of that hard time. I could have never been in where I am right now if it wasn’t for them and for God. 

People who know me now might not know that once I struggled with depression. I didn’t really talk about it but since I’ve been reading a lot news regarding suicide and its relation to depression, I felt compelled to share my story. If you are struggling with depression, I will never get tired to say, reach out to somebody, reach out for help. It is okay, asking for a help is never a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength that you are humble enough to admit that you can’t do it alone. 

Whenever I am feeling that things are overwhelming, I would pick up my phone and reach out to my friends. I would ask to meet them, I would ask for their time, I would ask them to be with me because when I’m alone, that’s when the battle starts inside my mind. I would down on my knees and pray, I would read the Bible verses and saying it over and over to myself and I would tell God that I’m trusting Him my life. It’s my other way to deal with depression, I run to the One who is holding my life. 

The more I learned about depression, I noted that it’s not just about the battle in the mind but it’s also a medical condition where your body is suffering from chemical imbalance. In my case, whenever I’m lacking magnesium or vitamin B-12, I realise am more vulnerable to stress and depression. Thus, I used to store dark chocolate in handy and vitamin B-12 so I can balance my mind. I figured this out when I was talking with a friend who also suffered for depression and she told me that I should try eating dark chocolate and took vitamin B-12. It worked for me. 

There were many reasons and cause for depression, but to know that you need to first reach out for help. Seek even medical attention if necessary. 

And if you happen to be a family or a friend of someone who’s going to depression. I want to quote something from Stephen Fry,

“If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, the lethargy, the hopelessness and loneliness they are going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do”

It would be hard, it would be a long journey, but walk with them step by step and be patient with them. Help them to get any help they need and be with them.

 

I know that people can be in various stages of depression. Some are still on early stage (like I was), some might be struggling with it for years already and it’s not getting easier for you. But, really don’t go through it alone, if I can get through it, I know you can too. You are strong, you are precious, you matter and the world still needs you. 

*hugs to everyone who is struggling with depression right now* 

 

 

 

Connecting People.

For those who grow up in the 90s era you would be very aware of a mobile phone brand from Finland with the famous tagline “Connecting People” --yes, I know you know that one! :D

It’s one of my favourite brand tagline. 

The world as we know it, is not that BIG. The more you meet people, the more you know that everyone is connected to one another and sometimes in a very unusual or unique manner and situation.

I have met people randomly that coincidentally connected to someone that I know. Like a friend’s friend that is friend with the other friend. Okay, now that sounds so complicated. LOL. But that’s the reality, somehow we are all connected to each other and sometimes we miss that connection. 

I love meeting new people and connecting people that I know. If a friend needs something that I know another friend has the resource then I love to introduce them to each other. I love to see people working together and help each other. It doesn’t matter whether they remember me or not, as long as I know that by knowing each other they can grow or make something together for greater good, then as a bystander I am happy enough :)

You might ask, why do I do that? What is the benefit for me? Well, maybe it’s because I know how it feels when you need help and no one is there to help you and how grateful you are when someone is finally offering you the help that you need. And I know how it feels to struggle in finding people to work together in achieving a purpose or dream. 

In building relationship, I never thought of gain and loss. I never thought of what you can give to me or what kind of benefit I can get by having a relationship with you. I simply treasure the encounter and value the connection no matter how small or big it is because I’ll never know what the connection will be in the future. 

I believe that every one that crosses our path has a purpose and I cherish every purpose. Good or bad, there’s always something to be grateful for in every connection.

I always love what my pastor said, “People are like seeds. You will never know what kind of tree that might be produced from a seed. Those who are sitting next to you might be the next president of this country or maybe the next noble prize winner. You will never know and what you can do is helping the seed to grow.” --that for me, including connecting people who might need each other with a hope that they can help each other and grow together in achieving their purpose. 

I believe that we are all connected to each other somehow as a part of a greater purpose and each of us no matter how big or small has a contribution in it whether we realise it or not. I watched a speech video by Mark Zuckerberg the other day (click here), and he said this, “Finding your purpose isn’t enough. The challenge of our generation is to create a world where everyone has a sense of purpose. … Purpose is that feeling that you are a part of something bigger than yourself, that you are needed, and that you have something better ahead to work for. Purpose is what creates true happiness.” -- building connection and community is one of the thing that Mark also mentioned in his speech on how we can progress. 

We all have great ideas, we all want to make the world a better place, we all have a purpose in life, but to achieve that we can't do that alone. When we work to give people a chance to get involved in the purpose and give them a role in it, people will start coming together and help us to achieve things we couldn't do on our own. 

That's why I love connecting people, I love seeing people working together especially for a greater good. I've been struggling myself in finding people who understand my purpose and my cause, I know the struggle when it feels like you are walking alone, the hard time when you try to explain things to people and they simply don't get it, or when you need a support and no one is supporting you. I know how it feels like to have a dream or ideas that you don't even know how to start or find the right people to share and work on it together -- I understand the struggle and that's why now, I love helping people to find other people to work together with. Of course not every connection works, sometimes it doesn't but when it does, it's really wonderful. 

No one can work on everything alone. We all need other people and sometimes we even need other community to help us. As I said we are here as a part of a greater purpose whatever it is and by helping each other we will give each other a chance to be part of that greater purpose. 

And to end this post, I will end it with a beautiful Jewish prayer quoted from Mark's speech, Mi Shebeirach; May the Source of strength who blessed the ones before us. Help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing. and let us say: Amen. - Yes, may we always find the courage to always make our lives a blessing for other people in any way that we can. 

The Twins : Empathy and Sympathy

I read an interesting post by a friend on facebook the other day. She was talking about grief and how people easily said: God won’t give you more than you can handle. 

“Am I wrong when I feel that I can’t handle the loss? When the pain is too much and my heart is hurting?”

Sometimes we also say, “Everything happens for a reason” in such situation. 

“Then what’s the reason of this? To hurt me? I can’t understand, is it my fault that I can’t understand the reason?”

Those two statements are often said with good intention but it hurts those who are mourn for the loss of their loved ones. 

When you are having a bad time, those are the last words you would want to hear. Trust me. 

This is where the thin line between empathy and sympathy lies.

Empathy means the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone else's feelings (merriam-webster dictionary)

Sympathy means the feeling that you care about and are sorry about someone else's trouble, grief, misfortune, etc.: a sympathetic feeling (merriam-webster dictionary)

Both empathy and sympathy will make us want to support and comfort those who are in trouble, grief or misfortune. But both have a different way,

Sympathy:

“You will find the silver-line” 

“Everything happens for a reason”

“God will never give you something you can’t handle”

“At least you are still okay, at least your kids are okay”

“Just look at the bright side”

Sympathy will tend to try to make things better. But like seriously, saying those words won’t make anything better. It will only make people slap you in the face. 

Empathy:

“I understand your pain and it’s not easy. I will be here for you.”

“I can’t imagine how you feel, it must be hard for you.”

“I don’t’ know what to say but I’m glad you told me.”

Empathy is trying to understand other people’s feeling andwhat they are going through. It’s trying to see things from their perspective and connecting with them without trying so hard to make things better. 

When people is hurting, rarely words can make things better. Sometimes a listening ear and a hug are all people need to make them feel better. To know that we are not alone in going through the hard time is sometimes the best comfort.

Hope

(picture was taken from the internet)

Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. (Source: Wikipedia)

Hope:

1. To cherish a desire with anticipation: to want something to happen or be true

2. Trust

3. To desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment

4. To expect with confidence

(Source: Merriam-Webster dictionary)

Few years ago I volunteered in an organisation that worked with street children and people who lived in slum areas in Jakarta. I still remember that one night, we were distributing papers and colouring pencils to the children so they could draw anything they want, as all children do, they were so excited, each picking their own paper and chose the colours they want, sit down and drew. 

I was sitting with a boy on the side of the street as he was drawing. Curiously asked him, “What is your dream? What do you want to be when you grow up?” – There was a pause for a moment before he answered, “I don’t have a dream. I don’t think it is possible for me to have a dream.” and he continued to draw. His answer left me speechless. He was around 7 or 8 years old. Living in the street with no parents. He didn’t even know when his birthday was, his parents left him alone in Jakarta until someone took him in and worked him as street musician, begging for money from people. 

I still could not forget the look in his eyes when he said those words, there was no hope in it. I guess, maybe even no one ever asked him such question. It must be very sad to have lived without a dream that makes you hope will come true, especially for children. 

What would life feel like if you have no idea what to hope for? 

Hope is something that moves us from within, a confident believe that what we wish for or dream for will come true. Hope is the strength that will help us to endure and even overcome hardships in life. Hope is the spark in the eyes driven by passion. It's the reason that we live life. To lose hope I think would be like losing life itself. 

Hope is very close with expectations and as we all know, expectations are frail things. Expectations are easy to break if we are not careful. Thus, it is very important to put our hope in the right place so we can manage our expectations in the right way.

So, if I may ask you today, where do you put your hope? do you still have it? or have you lost it?

The Flickering Light.

I was running at the gym when I noticed something wasflickering so I looked up and apparently there’s a lamp that needed to be replaced. I looked around and nobody else seemed like they notice it, so I was wondering if I should tell someone about it once I finished my running session. 

Just before I finished, apparently one of the cleaning service staffs noticed it too and not for long he came back with his friend to fix the lamp and once they were done, the lamp was back to shine brightly. 

And something hit me in the mind, just like the lamp, people also emit the flickering light when they are tired, sad or in trouble to hint that they need a rest, a comfort or even a help. 

Humans, are social being. We cannot live without other people. No matter how introverted we are (as introverts are often associated with anti-social – okay, don’t let me get there!:p) – we all need other people in our lives especially during the hard times. 

Whether we like it or not, we should admit that having someone to care about us always feels so nice and that’s why somehow when we are in need of other people, unconsciously we will emit that flickering light, to get someone or anyone to notice us, just like the flickering lamp at the gym. 

The random status on the social media, the empty look on the face in the midst of the crowd, the cranky attitude, the rude behaviour, the songs in the playlists, the painting that was made, the link posted, the stories posted on social media, the quotes posted, the writings that are written, the tears shed and so on – are the flickering light, our flickering light. Our effort to reach out to people. 

There will be people who will see that flickering light, sometimes they will ignore it and sometimes there will be those who care enough to stop and try to reach back. Those who care, keep them well and don’t take them for advantage. 

And some other times, we will be those people who will see that flickering light on other people where we would need to make the same decisions, to ignore it or to reach back. 

There is one quote from Plato that said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

We all have our flickering light moments – so being kind, is the best thing we can do to help other people who are having the flickering light moments. We will never know what other people is facing, dealing or struggling with, but at the very least we can be that person who brings a little comfort in their lives. 

Start with small things – a smile, a hello, a thank you, an appreciation, an encouragement, a listening ear, a hug, a pat in the back, a support, a listening ear and finally an understanding heart. 

I have a story, one day I was on my way to the gym which is located in the top floor of a shopping mall so I took the elevator. The elevator was operated by an elevator man and as soon as the elevator door opened, I smiled at the elevator man – he smiled back, then when I was off the top floor, I thanked him. 

It happened for a few weeks until one day I didn’t see him for the whole week, and then on the next week, I saw him again, as usual, I smiled at him and he smiled back. 

Then, I asked him where he has been because I didn’t see him for a while, from the look on his face, my question kind of caught him by surprise before he answered that he was moved to another shift at another elevator and I noticed that something changed, his face suddenly brightened up and he told me that it’s been a hard day for him so I listened until I got off the elevator, again, I smiled, said thank you and wished him all the best. He smiled brightly and thanked me.

Since then, whenever he saw me, he would give his brightest smile. He would help me out with things and even when he didn’t see me for a while, now he asked me, where have I been and how I’ve been. It might be a simple thing but I suppose that simple thing has made his day a little brighter and I was glad for that.  

It was always a short interaction within a short time in an elevator, but as much as he was brightened up by my smile, I was always brightened up by his smile as well. 

Besides, won't it feel good if we can do a little kindness to put a smile on someone's face? Who knows they might have been having a bad day and that was their first smile of the day :)