Because Everyone Has Hurt...

Maybe if your soul can dance it will look like this :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNHi7Wa7vpc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Broken and Fixed.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
....
....

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

.Fix You -Coldplay.

I love that song. It feels so hopeful that there is someone who is willing to cope up with my brokenness and help me to fix it.

The thing is...once something or someone is broken, nothing is ever be the same again.

When you fix a broken glass, trying to put all the pieces together, it might look as if it's whole again but if you pay attention you can somehow see the broken lines. the scars from where it was once broken.

It is made whole but it will never be the same.

Broken people, broken trust, broken relationship, broken heart and other things broken in our lives might never be the same again no matter how hard we wish they would still be the same.

Yet to accept the change would still be a choice that all of us should make. It's either we move on, we stop believing or we try again.

One thing I also learn, we can't fix broken people. Only they have the power to fix themselves. We can help them picking all the pieces but we can't put all the pieces together.

Each of us has the broken part and no one can fix us but ourselves. Only we know what we once had before we are broken and unless we are willing to try to get what was lost from us we would never be able to fix the broken part.

Speaking of scars, they will always be there as a reminder of what we've been through. They are a lesson we will never forget although we might already forgive.

The scars, the broken lines...they are the sign that we were once broken but we survived and we recover.

Yes, we will always recover and become stronger.

Premonitions.

Who said seeing the future is fun? It’s not or maybe, it’s just me who always get a premonition for something that I don’t wish to happen.
 
It’s always about someone that is close to my heart. A death of a friend’s mother, a friend’s break up, something that is an answer to my question about someone (which is not resulted in a positive answer), and so on.
 
Sometimes it comes in form of a dream, sometimes it’s just a strong feeling about something that I know would happen. I thought maybe it was a sign of something that might happen in the future that I need to prepare myself or maybe my friend to deal with it, but then again, it can be so random that I don’t even know why I’m getting it.
 
There are days when I’m having dreams and sometimes I wonder whether it’s a premonition or not, especially the sweet ones, but I know better that every premonition always comes with a queasy feeling in my tummy and it’s never sweet. I wish, most of the time, that at least for once, I’d have a premonition about something good. About something sweet.
 
Maybe, you don’t need to be prepared for something good,  but you will always need to be prepared for something bad.
 
Maybe, I think so.

Finding The Reason WHY.

WHY?

...is the common question we’re asking when we’re faced with a situation that’s out of our hands or something unexpectedly bad happen to us.

It’s very natural to question WHY, it’s very normal to ask WHY, because there are things in the world that we cannot quite understand why they happened to us.

Sometimes we feel as if we’re living life just as we should. We’ve been good, we’ve been nice but then why do the bad things happen anyway? Well, I cannot quite give you the answer why. It’s something greater than our understanding and I guess, that’s just how life is.

I lost a best friend two days ago. It was a painful loss. He was a dear, dear friend. Then later on, I got another news that a friend was missing at the sea because the ship he was on, was drown by a sudden storm. Until now, we haven’t heard anything about him. It’s hard. I still met him last week. We were still joking around and now his whereabout is unknown.

Yesterday was a rough day.

I want to ask God, I want to question Him, I want to know...WHY.

WHY my friends? WHY people who are dear to me? WHY them? WHY so sudden?

Yet, I’m tightlipped and I can’t even utter a word to Him. I’m sad and angry, but deep inside I know I want to believe that God must have something in mind, something that I don’t understand for now. I know that God is good and when He let something happens, He definitely knows what He’s doing.

The question WHY doesn’t always come in the same envelope with the answer and to wait for the answer can be so freaking hard. It’s not easy at all. It’s not.

In this hard time, I am reminded by a verse that said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matt. 5 : 4, NIV) or in other translation the same verse said, “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.” (Matt. 5 : 4, TMB) – I think the verse is perfect for my situation.

It’s been hard accepting the loss but somehow I can feel that God is comforting me in ways that He knows will definitely give me comfort.

And that’s just how life is..things make us laugh, things make us cry. Life will still go on and time doesn’t pause just to give us time to grieve, no it’s not. Everything goes on and we should to. When there is pain, we don’t pretend we’re not hurting. We stop. We grieve. We cry and weep. Then, we go on.

For those whom we have lost, let’s just send some light and love. For those who lost your loved ones, just grieve properly and let them go. It’s hard, I know. But they wouldn’t want you to keep on grieving and stop living.

For those in difficult situations that you cannot understand why everything is happening to you, keep holding on, keep the faith. God is not leaving you. He’s with you, He’s holding your hand and He knows what He’s doing. Hang in there, help is on the way.

Surat Untuk Seorang Sahabat.

Mungkin hal yang paling menyakitkan adalah kehilangan seseorang yang dekat dengan kita dengan cara yang mendadak dan itulah yang terjadi. Pagi ini, gw menerima kabar bahwa seorang sahabat gw meninggal dunia dan untuk pertama kalinya gw nangis sejadi-jadinya di depan umum, di tengah-tengah mall, di tengah-tengah orang-orang yang ngeliatin sampe harus ditarik nyokap ke pinggiran. 

Sakit, sakit banget harus kehilangan dengan cara gini. Tanpa sempat bilang selamat tinggal, tanpa sempat ketemu untuk terakhir kalinya. Cuma, mungkin itu yang sahabat gw mau, dia ngga pernah mau nyusahin orang lain sampai akhirnya pergi pun, dia pergi diam-diam. 

Hati berusaha keras untuk ikhlas, mata berusaha keras untuk menahan air mata setiap kali kenangan akan dia terlintas. Ikhlas. Berat untuk ikhlas, berat banget. 

Dan tulisan ini pun...untuk dia. Mas Arip Rahman Hakim, seorang teman, seorang sahabat dan seorang kakak. Terimakasih untuk semuanya, Mas. Bahagia ya disana.  

ps: I write this to heal myself and to grieve in my own way. 

-o-o-oOo-o-o-

Dear Mas Arip,

Gimana kabarnya disana? Mas Arip pasti lagi seru diving atau naik gunung ya disana. Pasti Mas Arip seneng banget deh, sekarang Mas Arip udah bebas mau kemana aja. Udah ngga perlu nyari tiket pesawat murah lagi ya, Mas...hehehe.

Aku masih ngga percaya Mas Arip udah ngga ada, Mas Arip kan masih janji mau ke Ternate sama aku, Wika dan Mas Boy. Kita juga kan masih mau ke Weh, Mas, biar ngga kalah sama Ais. Tapi kenapa Mas Arip harus pergi secepet ini? Aku masih belum kenalin Mas Arip sama Abang, Abang juga suka diving loh Mas, suka foto juga kayak kamu. Tanggal 26 ini, Dive ID mau adain Dive Talk lagi, Mas, aku udah ajak Abang, tadinya aku mau ajak Mas Arip juga biar Mas Arip bisa ketemu sama Abang. 

Mas Arip inget kan Dive Talk pertama? Yang Mas Arip nyasar kemana-mana nyariin tempatnya dan kita bingung gimana caranya ya ngasih tau Mas Arip...eh tapi pas berhasil sampe tiba-tiba Mas Arip dapet doorprize buat kelas Buoyancy dari Banyu Biru Explorer. Aku masih inget Mas, abis itu kita bareng Mas Boy, Ais dan Priska ke Sushi Tei, Gandaria City, ngobrol panjang lebar. Dari Hiu sampai Horor. Aku masih inget kamu ketawain aku karena aku sebel banget denger cerita horornya Wika soal dermaga di Odi Dive, kamu malah ngajakin aku night dive disana sama Mas Boy, nakal deh!

Mas Arip, kita kan masih mau keliling NTT. Kita udah bikin plan-nya. Kita udah booking tiket buat Maumere - Kupang. Aku masih nyimpen itinerary dari Mas Arip dan masih inget banget waktu aku cerita sama Mas Arip kalau aku mau ke Sumba, pesen dari Mas Arip banyaaaak banget. "Nanti kesini ya Neng...nanti kesana..." - aku bilang aku ngga tau gimana caranya kita keliling NTT dan Mas Arip selalu bilang, "Nanti kita jalanin bareng-bareng ya, Neng..tenang aja." - itulah kamu, Mas. Selalu menjaga orang lain, selalu perduli sama orang lain. 

Kita kan juga masih mau balik ke Banda lagi, Mas...nyari sotong yang pake kacamata aku. Makan terong kenari, nginep di tempat Abba. Aku masih inget Mas, kita whatsapp'an pas nonton Ring Of Fire soal Banda, kita ribut banget kangen-kangen sama Banda. Itu trip besar pertama kita setelah Open Water ya Mas, dan seneng banget aku berbaginya sama kamu. Kita ga pernah selesai ngomongin Banda, meskipun yang lain udah bosen dengernya, tapi itu cerita kita, trip kita dan kita ngga pernah bosen mengingatnya. Terus setelah pulang dari Banda kita terus ribut mau ke Komodo dan janjian ngambil AOW bareng-bareng sama Ko Ronald. 

Aku kan belom naik gunung juga sama kamu, Mas, padahal kamu udah ngajakin ke Rinjani tapi waktunya ngga pas dan kamu malah akhirnya jadi sakit. 

Aku masih inget trip terakhir kita bareng Wika dan temen-temennya Ais. Kamu demam waktu itu Mas, waktu aku tanya, kamu cuma bilang kayaknya sinus kamu kumat dan cuma minta teh manis anget dan nitip dibeliin tolak angin. Di trip terakhir itu, kamu pinjemin aku kamera kamu, trus seneng banget waktu aku fotoin, kamu bilang, "Akhirnya ada juga yang motoin pas lagi nyelem..." - iya Mas, selama ini kamu yang selalu fotoin kita yah...foto kamu malah jarang banget. 

Di trip itu juga, kita masih bahas banyak hal, masih pengen ke Alor, ke Wakatobi...dan sama-sama bertekad kalo Raja Ampat itu destinasi terakhir setelah keliling yang lain. Sekarang, kita harus jalanin semua rencana itu tanpa kamu, rasanya sedih banget. 

Kamu emang ngga pernah mau nyusahin orang ya Mas, sampe saat terakhir pun kamu ngga mau kasih tau siapapun kamu kenapa dan kamu malah nolak buat dijenguk. Mestinya, aku juga keras kepala, maksa buat jenguk kamu, maksa buat datengin rumah sakit kamu, supaya masih sempet ketemu sama kamu. Ngga kayak gini, kamu pergi tanpa pamit. tanpa bilang apa-apa, sama kayak kalo kamu ngilang tiap pagi atau sore buat hunting sunrise dan sunset. 

Aku masih inget Mas waktu kita terdampar di Ambon gara-gara pesawat yang delay dan kita harus re-schedule semuanya. Kita nginep di Lahat, satu kamar buat berempat. Kamu dan Mas Boy selalu jadi orang yang jagain aku. Aku beruntung banget pergi sama kalian. 

Aku inget waktu pertama ketemu Mas Arip pas ujian OW sama Dive ID, disitu kita pertama kenal, pertama ngobrol, sampai akhirnya saling follow di twitter, instagram dan terus kontak2an dan pergi trip bareng. Aku ngga nyangka banget Mas, kalo cuma dikasih waktu setahun kenal sama Mas Arip, tapi setahun itu, rasanya udah lama banget aku udah kenal Mas Arip. Aku selalu marah-marah sama Mas Arip karena selalu posting foto-foto cantik di Instagram dan Mas Arip pasti cuma ketawa. Mas Arip yang twitnya selalu cerdas mengkritik dan selalu promosiin indahnya Indonesia. 

Mas Arip yang selalu bantuin aku siap-siap kalo mau turun, Mas Arip yang selalu bantu bawain barang aku tanpa diminta, Mas Arip yang selalu nungguin dan nyariin kalo pas lagi di bawah, Mas Arip udah jadi buddy terbaik buat semua orang.  Makasih banget ya Mas, selama ini udah jagain aku, sekarang pasti Tuhan sendiri yang jagain Mas Arip dan Mas Arip udah tenang dalam dekapanNya.

Siapalagi yang bisa aku sama Priska rebutin kalo bukan Mas Arip sebagai buddy kita, malah pernah kita bilang nanti di Komodo, kita buddy'an bertiga aja yah biar adil. Segitu kita sayang sama Mas Arip bukan cuma karena Mas Arip suka jagain kita, tapi buat kita Mas Arip udah lebih dari sekedar buddy, Mas Arip adalah sahabat dan Mas Arip adalah saudara kita. 

Kehilangan kamu itu sakit Mas, buat kami semua. Kamu pergi terlalu mendadak dan terlalu cepat, kami belum sempet ketemu kamu. Ngga ada lagi postingan foto-foto cantik di instagram dan path yang menyambut di pagi hari. Ngga ada lagi tawa kamu Mas...ngga ada lagi cerita kamu nyasar ke PIM padahal kita janjiannya di PI. Ngga ada lagi whatsapp kamu yang ngasih tau info flight murah dan janjian buat nge-trip bareng. 

Ikhlas itu ternyata berat ya Mas, berat banget. Tapi harus, supaya kamu tenang disana. 

Makasih ya Mas Arip, sampaikan sama Tuhan, makasih banget Dia udah ijinin kamu menghabiskan waktu sama kami. Banyak yang kehilangan kamu Mas disini dan itu tanda betapa berharganya hidup kamu. Perjalanan kamu keliling Indonesia mungkin harus terhenti sampai disini, tapi kami, akan melanjutkannya. Semangat dan cinta kamu sama Indonesia, akan kami teruskan. Untuk setiap tempat di Indonesia yang aku jelajahi, aku dedikasikan buat kamu. 

Sampai ketemu lagi ya Mas Arip. Terimakasih. Terimakasih. Terimakasih untuk sudah hidup di dunia ini dan terimakasih sudah jadi sahabat aku. You will always be missed. Always.