Early 2018, I was admitted to the Emergency Room due to heart palpitation and difficulty in breathing. In short, when blood check result was out, I was diagnosed with anemia microcytic or in layman’s term, anemia that was caused by iron deficiency. I was prescribed to take iron supplement as a therapy to help me recover from the anemia.
After the incident, my physical condition is not the same. Even the simplest physical activities such as walking up the stairs or walking a bit too fast can easily increase my heart rate,causing me to feel tired easily and even light- headed. Hence, I decided not to do many physical activities, including diving until my physical condition improved.
However, later that year, I signed up for a trip with friends to explore Flores, including a trip to Wae Rebo, a village located in Manggarai, Nusa Tenggara Timur, which will require me to hike for 4,8 kilometers. I was honestly worried. To ensure my heart condition, I went for a check up to a cardiologist. After the treadmill test, ECG and EKG. The result was out, the cardiologist said that my heart was fine except for one condition, I have a minor leak on my left heart valve (if I’m not mistaken). He said the condition was not dangerous, it’s just my heart valve closes a bit slow. Other than that, I was encouraged to walk for 30 minutes at least 3 times a day to strengthen my heart.
Long story short, I managed to pass the hike to Wae Rebo, although during the time, my heart felt like it was just going to burst. Like halfway, I honestly constantly thought that I was not going to make it, I even imagined myself dying and all sort of negative thoughts came to my mind. To overcome the negativity, I constantly reciting Bible verses and all kinds of church songs that I remembered just to keep my mind positive while keeping on watch for my heart rate. Praise God, I managed to overcome the hike.
So, next, I thought, I need to go back to the ocean.
My first comeback was on a dive trip to Pulau Seribu near Jakarta with some friends. I expected it to be an easy dive trip, but I was wrong coming back diving it was not as easy as I thought it would be. First time plunging myself into the water, I could feel the panic attack coming. Somehow, I was so afraid that I was unable to breathe, although regulator was in my mouth. All I felt was, I wanted to go up badly, took off my mask and breathe as much air as I could. It felt like I was suffocating.
For the first time in my diving history, I felt the panic attack, something that I’ve never thought I would feel and worse, it’s even on an easy dive with no current, no tide, nothing and for the first time, I felt afraid of the ocean.
I passed the first dive after a constant struggle with the panic attack while trying to maintain my mind to stay sharp and aware. Then, on the second dive, I gave up. Only 10 minutes into the water in more less 12 meters depth, I felt suffocated, I could tell my heart was palpitating hard, I was breathing rapidly, I could feel I was breaking in cold sweats despite being underwater and it was started to get out of control. I needed to quit the dive before it worsened, because I could feel like I could no longer think straight, and it was too tiring for me to fight the panic attack. I gave a signal to the dive guide, letting him know that there was something wrong with me and that I wanted to gradually surface. The dive guide then notified the rest of the group, came and accompanied me until I finally managed to surface properly, called the boat and then back to the rest of the group.
Once I was on the boat, I took all the dive gears off, threw myself tiredly on the boat and fell asleep. I didn’t even know when did the rest of the group surfaced and back on the boat until a friend woke me up for lunch. After that, I went back to sleep and skipped the third dive. My friends were asking me what's going on, I just said that I was too tired and having a bad headache.
The next morning, we planned to have an easy dive at the Jetty. I thought, let’s try again. Again, I struggled in the first 5 minutes (that felt longer) yet, as it was a shallow dive and just around the jetty, I felt it was easier to manage the negative thoughts and to divert the focus, I decided to picking up the trash. And by the end of the dive, I was relieved as if I was out of danger. I never thought that the incident where I was rushed to the ER somehow affecting me subconsciously.
I still struggle with the panic attack and the anxious feeling whenever I go diving up until my recent dive (which was few days ago). I was anxious the day before the trip and the day of the trip, somehow that is causing my heart rate to increase, and I had to take medication to help in lowering the heart rate because it was getting tiring. I tried to calm my mind and prayed (yes, it's one of my ways to deal with my anxiety and it works for me).
On the D-day, to my own surprise, everything went smooth and okay. I did not feel anxious at all -- I was honestly going to abort the dive if I suddenly had the anxiety and panic attack, but it turned out there was none. There was no fear of suffocating or being unable to breathe. There was only PEACE. I guess, that's because I was constantly praying for the peace that transcends all understandings (and thoughts) and maybe it was also because I knew who I was diving with, I trusted the person who ran the dive center because I knew him personally and well aware of his standards. Yet, I still didn't want to exert myself too much and stick to my plan of having only two dives a day and decided no to dive the next day.
As predicted, my resting heart was quite high that day, but all was well, nothing's too crazy. I just needed a good sleep. I was quite happy that I finally managed to conquer the anxiety and back to my comfort in diving. Although for now, I might still choose to steer clear from challenging gives, maybe until I physically feel better enough to do that.
The experience taught me about anxiety and panic attack. The helpless feeling when it feels like everything is out of my control. The overwhelming fear, the thought that I will not make it, the fear of dying and other irrational fears. Sleepless nights, racing heart rate, cold sweats, restlessness and difficulty to concentrate or focus. You name it. I've felt it. Although the anxiety and panic attack often occurred during diving related activity, sometimes it also occurs in other situation as well. As I already have the tendency of feeling uncomfortable in enclosed space (that is why, wreck or cave diving is never been an option for me to try) -- being in an airplane, being in the elevator or even in my own room with closed door can trigger the anxiety and anxiety can give you endless of irrational fears. Fortunately, it hasn't affected my daily life in general and currently I am slowly recovering.
If you have anxiety and come across my post somehow, I just want to say that don't be ashamed of yourself. Nobody is to be blamed for having anxiety. Be kind and be patient with yourself. From my experience dealing with my own anxiety and panic attack, I can share what works for me in overcoming the situation and see if maybe it can help you too.
Meditation
In my case, whenever I feel anxious and start to panic, I pray and meditate on the word of God (or Bible verses). I would say to myself over and over and over again the Bible verses that can help me overcome my anxiety and fear. Not always work like magic but it will help me to lessen the irrational fears. It will make my heart more at peace by having faith that it's okay for me not to have everything in control because God has everything in control.
If you are not a spiritual or religious person, it might be helpful to meditate and say positive things to yourself over and over and over again until you believe it. From experience, 99% of the fear that we have in our head is not going to happen.
Drink less alcohol
For me, alcohol can cause my anxiety to get worse. Somehow, if I drink alcohol, it stimulates my mind to think a lot and that can triggers the anxiety.
Reach out to a friend
Loneliness and isolation can trigger or worsen anxiety. If I feel like my anxiety is getting worse, I'll reach out to my friend. Although sometimes in such condition, I don't feel like seeing anyone let alone letting them know that I am struggling, I decided that I have to. Being with the right friends or community, sharing your worries and concerns will help to lessen the anxiety. Having people to support you and even pray for you may help you to overcome your anxiety.
Challenge your mind
I'd say that the fiercest battlefield is the one happening in our own mind. Worrying is a mental habit that we can learn to break. If you are anxious, challenge your negative thoughts and learn to accept uncertainty. Like I said above, 99% of the fear that we have in our head is not going to happen.
Exercise and take vitamins
To move my body even for a short walk everyday helps me to feel better. I also take vitamins to help keeping my body in a fit and healthy condition. If I feel fit, it is easier for me to deal with the anxiety.
In the end I am not a medical expert or a psychologist, so if you feel like your anxiety is too overwhelming and it starts to affect your daily life, please do look for help and don't go through it alone. It can be hard, it can be difficult, it can be rough, tough, nasty and ugly but...you don't have to get through it alone and once again, I will say that it is not your fault, it is okay to not to feel okay all the time, it is okay that on some days waking up is hard, it is okay that you are not in control of everything. It is okay, but...don't give up, wake up and let's try again.
