Just recently we all read the news of Chester Bennington, the lead vocalist of Linkin Park, killed himself. I believe the news came a shock to many people who have been growing up with Linkin Park. I am not a fan of Linkin Park, although I used to enjoy listening to some of their songs. Their album, "Meteora" was a very nice album that I listened to repeatedly, I admire how Chester would sing the songs with his powerful voice and as far I can remember, there’s always a hint of ‘pain’ in his voice and the songs he sang.
Recently, we have heard a lot of suicide news from well-known people. The reason is always the same, depression. They felt depressed to the point they felt no hope to keep on living. I never thought of those who called for suicide decision as weak. In fact, I feel sad for them. I feel sad because finally the hopelessness takes over.
I know how it feels like struggling with your inner demons that no one really understands, it requires all the strength you have to fight them and to survive. So I know for sure they are not weak.
They are also not selfish because some of them I know making that decision because they don’t want to be a burden for other people if they continue on living with the depression.
I do agree that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary condition, but for those who have been in the hell-hole, it’s hard to see that. This is why, having someone that really care for you during those dark times is really important, if your loved ones are battling with depression, be patient, hold their hands and walk with them step by step, because inside, they are fighting so hard to survive. Stop asking “Why are you depressed?” because most of the time, they don’t even know why they are feeling depressed and please stop saying that, “Oh, maybe it’s just you being overthinking.” because it’s not overthinking, it’s a fierce battle in the mind and God forbid, hopefully you will never have to deal with it.
“Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings, and sense of well-being. People with a depressed mood may be notably sad, anxious, or empty; they may also feel notably hopeless, helpless, dejected, or worthless.”
Years ago, I was depressed. It was tough years. I think too many changes, too many things to handle, no one to talk to and no one seems to understand finally took its toll. I often spent nights crying with no reason, I would wake up in the middle in the night and felt a terrible pain in my heart, I felt as if I was in a urge of being crazy when things are seem hard to handle (I honestly think so), I had terrible mood swings, I lost my interest in living, I hate everyone, I hate myself and I felt so empty that I started to have suicidal thoughts.
There’s an unexplainable pain in my heart that I could not let it out, so I developed a habit of being a cutter. I bought a cutter every day and every time I felt like I could not handle the pain, I would cut myself with the cutter and somehow I felt that the pain inside was lessened. (Now, that it has passed, I’m so glad that it didn’t left permanent marks on my arms).
During that hard time, I was glad that I had a best friend who cared enough for me. Who would constantly reaching out to me and in a way, saved me. She would confiscated my cutter, she would hold my hand every time I wanted to cut myself. She would always check on me to see if there was new scars on me or not. When the other so called "close" friends judged me, she reached out to me and stood by me. She never asked me why I felt depressed or just brushed me off by saying that I was being overthinking or dramatic. No, she never did that. She was always there to encourage me although as teenager at that time, I know she also had her own matters to handle. I owe her so much.
The worst battle is always the one going on inside of your head. That’s where you are most vulnerable and that’s where you are mostly judged by yourself. The mind is the fiercest battlefield. So, I know how tiring it is for depressed people to have to fight it all the time.
Depressed people don’t necessary look like they are sad all the time or mad all the time, sometimes they can look cheerful at the outside or look okay but broken in the inside. If you look closely then you might see the symptoms, such as mood swings, addiction on something, the occasionally blank look in their eyes, their thoughts of the future and so on.
People are good in hiding what they are feeling inside, afraid that if they are being honest, they might get hurt, they might be judged, and they might be told that they are weak. Truth is, no one is born as a strong people, and we grow strong because we manage to deal with the hardships. It is okay to not to feel okay, none of us is perfect and all of us has feelings. We can get scared, we can get afraid, we can get anxious, we can get down, we can feel frustrated at times, we can feel sad, we can feel helpless, and it is okay to feel all those negative emotions.
Trust me that it is okay. It is part of us being humans. We feel.
But, if things are starting to feel out of hand and you feel like you are drowning in those negative emotions. Reach out for help. Don't go through it alone. Find someone you can trust. Find someone you can rely on. Find someone who loves you. Reach out to them.
Don't be scared, don't be afraid. Speak up. Speak of your pain, speak of your fears, and speak of your scars, wounds, anything that weighs you down. Let it go. Forgive the people that have caused you pain, but most of all...YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF...so you can start to love yourself.
No, you are never a mistake. No matter how dark you park was. It is not your fault, you are just struggling to live and we are all. We are all in a journey trying to figure out what life means to us. Nobody gets it instantly. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws. But still, that doesn't make you a mistake.
When I found myself back, the first thing I did was to forgive myself. I forgive myself for being imperfect, I forgive myself for having flaws, I forgive myself, before then I start to love myself. It was not an instant journey, it took years for me to finally love myself and to finally recognise my self-worth. When I start loving myself only then I can start to see my purpose and my vision of the future, hope returns to my life and now, I am loving life with all my heart.
I am grateful that I have my best friend with me and during my journey to recovery, I am blessed that God has put good people in my life, people who support and encourage me when things are getting hard. People that believe in me more than I even believe in myself. Having the right people around me has helped me a lot to finally get out of that hard time. I could have never been in where I am right now if it wasn’t for them and for God.
People who know me now might not know that once I struggled with depression. I didn’t really talk about it but since I’ve been reading a lot news regarding suicide and its relation to depression, I felt compelled to share my story. If you are struggling with depression, I will never get tired to say, reach out to somebody, reach out for help. It is okay, asking for a help is never a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength that you are humble enough to admit that you can’t do it alone.
Whenever I am feeling that things are overwhelming, I would pick up my phone and reach out to my friends. I would ask to meet them, I would ask for their time, I would ask them to be with me because when I’m alone, that’s when the battle starts inside my mind. I would down on my knees and pray, I would read the Bible verses and saying it over and over to myself and I would tell God that I’m trusting Him my life. It’s my other way to deal with depression, I run to the One who is holding my life.
The more I learned about depression, I noted that it’s not just about the battle in the mind but it’s also a medical condition where your body is suffering from chemical imbalance. In my case, whenever I’m lacking magnesium or vitamin B-12, I realise am more vulnerable to stress and depression. Thus, I used to store dark chocolate in handy and vitamin B-12 so I can balance my mind. I figured this out when I was talking with a friend who also suffered for depression and she told me that I should try eating dark chocolate and took vitamin B-12. It worked for me.
There were many reasons and cause for depression, but to know that you need to first reach out for help. Seek even medical attention if necessary.
And if you happen to be a family or a friend of someone who’s going to depression. I want to quote something from Stephen Fry,
“If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, the lethargy, the hopelessness and loneliness they are going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do”
It would be hard, it would be a long journey, but walk with them step by step and be patient with them. Help them to get any help they need and be with them.
I know that people can be in various stages of depression. Some are still on early stage (like I was), some might be struggling with it for years already and it’s not getting easier for you. But, really don’t go through it alone, if I can get through it, I know you can too. You are strong, you are precious, you matter and the world still needs you.
*hugs to everyone who is struggling with depression right now*
